Relationship Garden Blog

Thank you to my colleague Joe Kort for this beautiful poem that reflects the complexity and depth of mature love.

Sonnet 17

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or tapaz,

or the arrow of carnations the first shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved.in secret,

between the shadow and the soul.  I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how,

 or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

So I love you because I know no other way.  but this,

where I do not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I’ve been reading a relatively new book by two of my favorite relationship authors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney with an intriguing premise.  In their book “How to improve your marriage without talking about it,” they suggest that behind much relationship conflict lurks a primal difference in the male and female psyches.  They suggest that women are programed to be more sensitive to danger and to have a quicker fear reflex than men do, and that this fear reflex is particularly triggered when women believe that their connection to those they love is in some way endangered.  Men on the other hand, according to Love and Stosney, are more prone to feelings of shame and react more strongly to the perception that they are being criticized or in some way found to be less than adequate.  What happens when men and women get together is that the woman’s fear reflex is triggered by something the man does (not calling, driving too fast, ignoring her) and she responds with criticism to calm her fear, which then triggers the man’s shame response and he responds with withdrawal or attack which then triggers the woman’s fears once more.

This certainly resonates with my experience, both personally and clinically and is congruent with Imago Relationship Therapy’s concern with creating relationship safety.

What do you think?

In honor of all who died on September 11th, and in honor of all who have died since in acts of hatetred and senseless violence whether on the streets of Baghdad, or the mountains of Afghanistan, or on the campus of Virginia Tech, with my heart full of sorrow and compassion and hope, I share the following thought by author Howard Zinn (as shared by my colleague Jim Wells) :

 To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic.
It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty,but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives.If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something.
If we remember those times and places – and there are so many -
where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act,
and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world
in a different direction.  

And if we do act, in however small a way,
we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future.

The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now
as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us,is itself a marvelous victory.
–Howard Zinn

(You Can’t Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A personal history of our times, p. 208)

With wishes of comfort and peace to all who read this.  Laura Marshall, Director