Relationship Garden Blog

“We’re supposed to be having fun, why are we fighting so much?”

The holidays – a time for family and food and presents and prayer and fun and…fights?  Unfortunately along with your other guests the December holidays often bring a familiar but unwelcome visitor – stress, and her twin sister conflict.  There are a number of good reasons why this time of year can be tough on relationships:

• With reduced sunlight many of us are prone to seasonal depression that makes it harder to cope with stress in general and holidays in particular
• Less outdoor exercise leads to less serotonin which again can bring on depression
• We experience “anniversary” depression related to remembering past holidays and loved ones who are no longer with us
• Somehow reality never seems to match our expectations and the feeling of let down can lead to a search for someone to blame – all too often our partners and other family members
• Time with families can restimulate old wounds and painful memories
• We can drive ourselves (and our partners) crazy trying to create the perfect holiday and pushing ourselves to live up to our own (or our family’s) expectations.

So what can we do to reduce stress and conflict and ensure a wonderful time together?  Of course there is no one size fits all solution but the following suggestions may be useful:

• Try to keep up your usual exercise routine – you will sleep better, feel better and keep depression at bay
• Get outside in the sunlight and fresh air as much as possible
• Avoid overeating, especially sugar.  This will also help you feel better and reduce the shame that often comes when we indulge too much.
• Keep alcohol consumption down – alcohol is a depressant.
• Dialogue with your partner about your hopes, dreams and expectations for the holidays (see sample holiday dialogue for ideas)
• Talk together about what really matters to you and what you can let go of if time and energy run short
• Be realistic about expectations both of yourself and your family
• Be realistic about how family interactions are likely to go (i.e. “we know Dad’s going to tell the same story 10 times” , or “we know Aunt Mary will criticize your cooking”)
• Keep your eye on the prize – remember what is most important to you and try to stay focused on that, letting go of the small irritations that ten years from now you won’t remember.
• Be especially gentle and loving with yourself and your partner – take special time together to reaffirm your love.

In Imago Relationship Therapy we often speak of creating intentional relationships.  I am often asked what this really means.  In it’s simplist sense an intentional relationship is one in which we are conscious of the many forces that are motivating and driving us and we make conscious choices about how to speak and act so that we may create the very best relationship we can.  What this means on a day to day basis is quite simple:

1.  Recognize and accept that you and your partner are different and experience the world differently.

2.  Take 100% responsibility for your own feelings, behaviors and choices.

3.  Do no harm in word or deed.

4.  Stretch yourself to try to understand your partner’s “world” and to meet their needs.

5.  Let go of trying to control the outcome of your conversations and trust the love and strength of your commitment to each other.

While it is not easy at first to act with intentionality, the more you do so the easier it becomes and you will begin to experience the rewards of greater trust, intimacy and growth as your relaitonship blossoms.

As I was buying a wreath today for our extremely interfaith household the saleswoman wished me a merry Christmas, and I found myself smiling at what struck me as such an archaic term.  Merry.  It conjures up images of belly laughs and lighthearted enjoyment.  These days it seems that we talk a lot more about being stressed than we do about being merry.  Perhaps if we could invite a wee bit more merriment into our lives we would shed some of the conflict and stress that seems to surround us.  So, in this time of darkness, I wish you joy and merriment in your heart, loving friends and family, tranquility of soul, and most of all peace throughout our troubled world to all humankind, whatever their faith, wherever they live, whatever their hopes and dreams may be.  May you be merry and of good cheer this holy – day season.  Laura Marshall, Director

As I approach my 50th birthday I am increasingly aware of my body’s transitions – more aches and pains, more worried looks from my doctor, more “routine tests” and I find myself thinking, “what happened?”  I was 17 only a few months ago.  And I’m aware of feeling some grief – grief for chances I didn’t take, grief for friendships I let slip, most of all grief for moments with my children that I didn’t notice because I was too busy worrying about the future.  Recently I wake up each day with the resolution that today will be one day that I will not allow to pass unoticed, one day that I will experience as fully as I possibly can, and if with grace I am allowed some joy I will treasure it will a full heart. 

 Into the midst of these musings I received the following poem from my childhood friend Sydney Tanner Nosker, and with her permission share it with you.  Thanks “old” friend:

 Content

I am Content

My face is changing.
I am getting old.
I have laugh lines
etched deeply by my eyes.
My porcelain skin
is now ruddy
from being in the sun
and having children.
Gravity is pulling my cheeks.
Pores are changing
at my chin line.
I look like my grandmother.
I am content.

Sydney Tanner Nosker

One of the most difficult relationship skills to master is speaking what is true for us in a conscious, intentional way.  This seems to be particularly true for many women.  I find it interesting that women who are articulate and self aware when we are speaking privately often have a very difficult time expressing the same feelings and thoughts in a powerful way once their partners are present.  We human beings are oh so complex and there are of course many reasons why it may be difficult for us to express what is real for us effectively.  Perhaps we fear rejection, or believe that it is not ok for us to want things – that it is selfish to ask to have our needs met.  Perhaps we feel helpless or hopeless and decide before we even speak that nothing will change and so we “pull our punches” and speak in a whiny, indirect or otherwise ineffectual way.  Or perhaps we feel shame that we should even have needs and desires at all.  Whatever the reason, when we fail to express ourselves clearly we not only reduce the chance that we will get our needs met, we also do our partners a disservice by not giving them a chance to succeed.  If you find that you often feel that no one is listening to you or taking you seriously this may be part of the problem.  I am so intrigued by how common this phenomenon is that I have decided to use it as the focus of the first of this year’s “Understanding the Self in Relationship” Women’s retreats.  If you are intrigued there’s more information about the upcoming September 8th retreat in the Workshop Section of the Relationshipgarden web page.

There are many reasons why we can feel down, blue or depressed.  Often it is the normal reaction to events in our life:  a bad evaluation at work, a fight with our kids, the death of someone we love, or simply feeling overwhelmed by stress and life (and occasionally hormones).  Everyone feels blue sometimes and usually if we reach out to friends, take care of ourselves or just sit it out it will pass.  Sometimes however we get stuck in the down cycle.  Days, weeks, months pass and we’re still feeling blue.  We don’t want to eat or we eat too much, we can’t sleep, or we can’t get out of bed, we don’t feel motivated to do anything and somehow no matter what we do we don’t feel any pleasure.  If this is going on for you then there is a good chance you are depressed in the psychological sense of the word.  The general concensus in the psychotherapy community is that the most effective approach to such feelings is a combination of antidepressant medication, talk therapy, and some simple lifestyle changes. 

Often when I discuss medication with clients they don’t like the idea – they’re afraid of getting hooked, they don’t like the way medications make them feel, or they believe that they should be able to kick this thing on their own – all good reasons.  Unfortunately the nonmedical steps you can take to overcome depression all take some motivation and will power – often hard to come by when you are feeling down.  If you do want to take the nonmedical approach here are some simple steps you can take:  eat healthy (especially omega 3 fatty acids found in fish for example), exercise in a way that gets your heart and lungs pumping, get as much sunshine as possible, do something nice for yourself each day, make sure you get out of the house each day, practice smiling even when you don’t feel like it, watch funny movies/tv (laughter releases endorphins), and sing!  A recent blurb in Consumers Reports On Health mentioned that among the healing powers of singing in groups like a chorus or choir is that singing has been shown to ease depression – go figure!

And of course from an Imago perspective, nurturing your core relationships is key.  In Imago we believe that we learn how to deal with pain in our earliest relationships.  It follows that if the hurt and pain were learned within a relationship context, then we can most effectively experience healing and relief within our most precious relationships.  If you are feeling bad take the risk of asking those you are closest to for support and nurturance.  You will be amazed at how healing it will feel.  Also, paradoxically, if you can muster the energy to reach out to help those less fortunate than yourself, whether it’s reaching out to a friend in need, or perhaps doing some volunteer work, you will also experience this as healing.  This is because the old brain doesn’t know the difference between the self and other.  So when we help others to feel good we end up feeling good ourselves.

In summary – eat right, exercise, get outside, and nurture yourself and others.  If you continue to feel blue reach out to a professional for further support.  Good luck.

Whilst driving home yesterday a song with the above title came on the Outlaw Country music station we were listening to. (really!)  After I finished laughing I found myself thinking – “it may be a bit colorful in its language, but the song is expressing a basic truth about relationships.”  A prime tenent of Imago couples therapy is that safety is a prerequisite of true connection and intimacy.  And of course any form of “ass chewing” be it ragging, nagging, bitchin’, moaning, yelling or sarcasm will destroy your partner’s sense of being safe with you the minute it appears.  So we have a choice.  If we want passion at night, we need to find a way to speak our truth during the day without damaging the sense of safety and trust in the relationship.    This is the beauty of truly intentional, loving dialogue.  We can speak what is real without doing harm.  It may take a bit of extra effort – but the result in terms of intimacy and passion is well worth the effort.

Welcome to Musings from the Garden, the blog page for Relationshipgarden.com and the Wissahickon Center for Relationship Therapy.  I will be posting insights, ideas, inspirations, and quotes as well as book and movie reviews relating to love, relationships, and what it takes to create joyous and soul-full lives.  I welcome your thoughts, ideas and insights   My dream is to begin to build a community of people committed to healthy and healing relationships.  I will try to comment on your posts when I can.  Feel free to contact me individually as well online at Lauramsgarden@comcast.net.

Blessings,

Laura Marshall, Director